he told me to lay down on the floor he
他叫我躺在地板上，然后
lifted up my dress a predator will use
掀起我的裙子，一个色狼会用
this kind of ruse to keep their victim
这种诡计让受害者
compliant I knew it was against what my
屈服，我知道这违背了我
father would have wanted the life of my
父亲的意愿，我儿子的生命
son was more important she's using all
更重要，她用尽了所有的
the lies back against him and that's a
对他撒谎，这是
real assertion of power I outsmarted my
真正权力的体现，我战胜了我那
depraved and horrifically abusive
堕落而又可怕的虐待狂
[Music]
[音乐]
father
父亲，
I grew up in Patterson New Jersey and my
我在新泽西州的帕特森长大，我的
father is from Alabama by way of Florida
父亲来自阿拉巴马州，途经佛罗里达州，
my mom was completely in love with my
我的母亲非常爱我的
father their life from what I remember
父亲，他们的生活 我记得我们
together seemed very happy he had
在一起的时候似乎很幸福，他曾经
started a band at one point she was a
组建过一个乐队，她是一个
backup singer they just seemed to be
伴唱歌手，他们看起来就像是
like the perfect couple I loved my
完美的一对，我每天都爱我的
father daily he was like the best guy I
父亲，他是我能想象到的最好的男人，
could even imagine but at the same time
但同时
I was afraid out of my parents he was
我害怕我的父母会
the one that beat us with the belt if we
用皮带打我们，如果我们
did anything wrong so there was that
做错了什么，所以我
fear my father was really anti the
担心我的父亲真的反对这个
system anti- the American system anti-
体制，反对美国体制，反对
the government and um he chose to
政府，他选择
homeschool me and my siblings whilst
在家教育我 和我的兄弟姐妹们，虽然
homeschooling is accepted as a practice
在家上学被接受为一种做法，
it's homeschool for a different reason
但这是在家上学 出于不同的原因，
it's political it's controlling it's
这是政治原因，这是控制原因，这是
about perspectives about the outside
关于
world that are considered dangerous and
外界被认为是危险的观点，
that creates a psych iCal mindset for a
这为孩子创造了一种心理iCal心态，即
child that essentially they're being
他们本质上是
protected his method of teaching was to
受到保护的，他的教学方法是
have a Kung Fu slipper so if I got the
穿功夫拖鞋，所以如果我
answer wrong then I got spanked with a
答错了，我就被用功夫拖鞋打了屁股，
Kung Fu slipper he just became more and
他变得
more strict we were also taught to not
越来越严格，我们还被教导不要和
talk to any of the other adults about
其他成年人谈论
details of the things that happened in
家里发生的事情的细节，
our house children primary caregivers
孩子的主要照顾者
are like Gods you essentially trust them
就像神一样 本质上信任他们，
no matter what whatever that Behavior
无论他们
towards you is you accept because you
对你的行为是什么，你都会接受，因为你
have nothing to compare it with and
没有什么可以与之比较的，
therefore if they tell you that you
因此，如果他们告诉你，你
shouldn't be talking to your extended
不应该和你的大家庭说话，
family you believe there must be a
你相信那一定是有
reason for that that's what classic
原因的，就是这样 典型的
abusers do they isolate they create fear
虐待者会孤立他们，制造恐惧
and they manipulate the individuals they
，操纵他们
control to believe that their way is the
控制的人，让他们相信他们的方式是
only way one afternoon when I was about
唯一的方式，一天下午，当我大约
8 years old my father wanted to speak to
8 岁的时候，我父亲想跟
me my heart started racing cuz I was
我说话，我的心开始狂跳，因为我当时
like okay what did I do wrong what what
想，好吧，什么 我做错了什么
am I in trouble before I had no idea and
我遇到了什么麻烦之前我完全不知道
when I went into the bedroom he was
当我走进卧室时他
standing there leaning against the base
站在那里，靠在
of my parents bed and he started
我父母的床脚上，他开始
praising me he started commending me
称赞我，他开始赞扬我，
telling me that he was very proud of me
告诉我他为我感到非常骄傲，
and I was his special daughter that now
我是他特别的女儿，现在
it was time for him to teach me how to
是他教我如何
be a woman he pulled me into this little
成为一个女人的时候了 他把我拉进一个小
space he told me to lay down on the
空间，他让我躺在地板上，
floor he lift lifted up my dress and he
他掀起我的裙子，
pulled down my
拉下我的
underwear I told him that I wanted him
内裤，我告诉他我想让他
to stop but he continued anyway until I
停下来，但他还是继续，直到我
guess he decided he was finished and he
猜他决定他已经完成了，然后
got up and he pulled my dress down he
他站起来，拉下我的裙子，
told me that this was our secret at the
告诉我这是我们的秘密，
same time it was what All fathers did
这也是所有父亲
with their daughters our secret All
对他们的女儿所做的秘密，所有
fathers so you're sworn to secrecy and
父亲的秘密，所以你发誓保守秘密，
yet in the same moment you're told it's
但与此同时，你 被告知这
normal for a young child it's impossible
对于一个小孩子来说是正常的，这是无法
to compute but you see if you're a
计算的，但你看，如果你是一个
groomer and a child molester you're
诱骗者和一个儿童性骚扰者，你
going to utilize confusion to keep that
会利用混乱来让那个
child exactly where you want I started
孩子保持在你想要的位置，我开始
not getting sleep because I had to get
睡不着觉，因为我不得不
up early in the morning help with my
起床 早上帮助我的
siblings but then my father would keep
兄弟姐妹，但我的父亲会
me awake at night performing sexual acts
在晚上对我进行性行为，让我无法入睡
on me Services aren't noticing her
服务部门没有注意到她，
because she's not at school that means
因为她不在学校，这意味着
that she's imprisoned in this situation
她被囚禁在这种情况下，
and she's powerless to make any changes
她无力做出任何改变，
one night after he molested me I decided
在他骚扰我之后的一个晚上，我决定
to go and take some of his cheesecake
去拿他的芝士蛋糕，
without asking he caught me and the
而没有要求，他抓住了我，并
punishment was that he sodomized me he
惩罚了我 他鸡奸了我，
choked me and he slapped me in my face
掐我，打我耳光
and he told me that the only thing I was
，还说我唯一
good for was to please him sexually and
擅长的就是在性方面取悦他，
that is what God had ordained and that's
这是上帝注定的，也是
what my role in my life was you would
我生命中的角色。
say that he was definitely somebody who
说他肯定是
had the dark Triad of personality
患有黑暗三联
disorders which is mellian psychopathic
症的人，即梅利安精神病
and narcissistic they make you a really
和自恋，它们会让你成为一个非常
malevolent individual a very dangerous
恶毒的人，一个非常危险的
person to be around and genuinely
人，而且真的
somebody that it would be very unlikely
不太可能
could change anything that I knew
改变我所知道的任何事情
positive or negative came from him that
或者说是负面的，这
made it more difficult to really
让我更难真正
identify how wrong what was happening to
确定发生在我身上的事情有多么错误，
me was it's really common it's a sad
这真的很常见，这是一个可悲的
reality and it's why so many children
现实，这就是为什么这么多孩子
are left in diabolical situations he
被留在恶劣的环境中，他
moved us one night to this house in a
一天晚上把我们转移到这个 我们住在地下室的
one room that had mattresses and a
一个房间里，房间里有床垫和
carpet on the floor in the basement
地毯，我和
that's where we lived me my siblings my
我的兄弟姐妹住在那里，我的
mom and my dad I realized that I could
妈妈和爸爸，我意识到我
not leave them with him because I didn't
不能把他们留给他，因为我不想让
want them to be hurt like I was hurt so
他们受到伤害 我受到了伤害，所以
I for a lot of my teenage years I
在我青少年时期，我
accepted you know my role in the family
接受了我在家庭中的角色，
and that was to do what it was that I
那就是做我
needed to do to keep him happy and
需要做的事情，让他在性方面感到快乐和
satisfied
满足。
sexually when I had my daughter he then
当我有了女儿之后，他
announced that it was ordained by God
宣布 这是上帝的旨意
and he was chosen to repopulate the
，他被选中来重新繁衍
Earth he intentionally
生息，他故意
would look to get me pregnant and keep
让我怀孕，并
me pregnant as often as possible during
尽可能多地让我怀孕，在
this period he met the Fuji he convinced
此期间，他遇到了富士，他说服
them that he would basically shoot them
他们，他基本上会把他们
to the top of the charts using new
射到山顶 图表使用新的
visual ideas now his family became a
视觉理念现在他的家人成为了一家
production company my father got the
制作公司我的父亲有
opportunity to produce and direct his
机会制作和导演他
most well-known work which is Killing Me
最著名的作品，即
Softly by the Fuji it distracted my
富士的《温柔地杀死我》，它分散了我
father and it seemed to keep him pretty
父亲的注意力，似乎让他很
happy there was less violence there was
高兴，因为事情少了 暴力事件
less beatings there was less threats but
减少了，殴打减少了，威胁也减少了，但这
it'll only ever be temporary because the
只是暂时的，因为
minute that a level of stress reignites
一旦压力水平重新点燃了
the way that they are they will not only
他们不仅会
return to that behavior but there'll
恢复到以前的那种行为，而且
usually be an amplification in their
他们的行为通常会被放大，
behavior because they will feel that
因为他们会觉得
whatever it was that they were putting
无论他们把
their energy in hasn't given them
精力投入到什么地方，都没有给他们带来他们所
essentially the domination and power
that they required I got pregnant again
需要的支配和权力 我又怀孕了，
and then when he was not invited Ed
当他没有被邀请
to the MTV Music Video Awards he was
参加 MTV 音乐录影带大奖时，他
very angry and he raped me and sodomized
非常生气，他强奸了我，鸡奸了我，我流产了，
me and I miscarried the baby I got
pregnant again right after with my
之后我又怀孕了，生下了
second daughter who I had in
我在 1997 年生下的第二个女儿。
1997 not only me my brother as well we
只有我和我的兄弟，我们
used to spend hours just
曾经花几个小时
imagining what life would be like
想象
outside of my father's control you know
离开我父亲的控制生活会是什么样子，你知道，
being able to have friends that's how I
能够有朋友，这就是我
put myself to sleep at night while I was
a teenager and my father was trying to
十几岁时晚上入睡的方式，而我父亲试图
keep me quiet one of the things he told
让我保持安静，他告诉我的一件事
me was that if I did not complain he
是，如果我不抱怨，他就
would not abuse my siblings and I
不会虐待我的兄弟姐妹，我
thought it was my responsibility to
认为
protect them in abusive situations
在虐待的情况下保护他们是我的责任，
people would be very surprised how often
人们会非常惊讶，
a predator will use this kind of ruse to
一个掠食者会多么频繁地使用这种 让
keep their victim compliant if you don't
受害者顺从的诡计如果你不按
do what I say I'm going to hurt somebody
我说的做我就会伤害别人
that you love he did not keep that
你爱他，但他没有遵守
promise the first time I discovered that
诺言，当我第一次发现
my father lied to me I walked in on him
父亲对我撒谎时，我撞见他正
about to perform oral sex on one of my
准备为我的一个
younger sisters I felt
妹妹口交，我感到
defeated and so sorry for my
很沮丧，为我的
sisters my son woke up with seizures he
妹妹感到难过，我儿子醒来时 当时他
was 5 months old and my brother was
5 个月大，我哥哥
visiting he convinced my mom to bring my
正在探望他，他说服我妈妈带我
son to the hospital I knew it was
儿子去医院，我知道这
against what my father would have wanted
违背了我父亲的意愿，
but the life of my son was more
但我儿子的生命更
important what you're seeing is the
重要，你所看到的是
absolute Jer position between the kind
绝对的
of parent that her father is versus the
kind of parent that she is when my son
当我儿子
was first admitted into the hospital the
第一次入院时，
forms were asking questions I really
表格上都在问问题，我真的
didn't know how to fill them out but
不知道该怎么填，但
there was something that CLE
CLE 有一些东西
that said just fill it out honestly and
也就是说，只要诚实地填写表格，
put down my father's name as my son's
把我父亲的名字写成我儿子的
father she's using all the lies that
父亲，她就利用
he's told her back against him and
他对她说的所有谎言来反驳他，
that's a real assertion of power Social
这是真正的权力主张，社会
Services was called in they interviewed
服务部门被叫来，他们采访了
me they interviewed my father during
我，他们采访了我的父亲
this time he continued to threaten my
他一直威胁我，
life if I was to tell them anything and
如果我告诉他们任何事情，他就会杀了我，
the life of my sisters but at the same
我的孩子也会死。 姐妹们，但
time he allowed Social Services to come
同时他允许社会服务部门
into our home and take my other children
来到我们家，带走我的其他孩子
to do a medical review of them everybody
去做体检，
around her is concerned and that is
她周围的每个人都很担心，这
denying the whole mindset that her
否定了她
father has created within her and
父亲在她心中创造和
instilled within her all these years
灌输的整个心态 这些年来，
suddenly the House of Cards is falling
纸牌屋突然倒塌，
they decided to keep the children in the
他们决定把孩子们留在
hospital the warrant was put out for the
医院，对
arrest of my dad and and he went on the
我父亲发出了逮捕令，然后他就
run I was with my children for about 10
逃走了，我和我的孩子们在一起待了大约 10
days but they eventually went into
天，但他们最终还是走了 被
foster care for a living mother there is
送去寄养一个活着的母亲，
absolutely nothing more punishing than
没有什么比
being separated from the children that
you love in a weird way it was also a
以一种奇怪的方式与你爱的孩子分离更痛苦的了，这也是一种
relief because I knew that they wasn't
解脱，因为我知道他们
with my father anymore I became more
不再和我父亲在一起了，我变得更加
focused on the possibility of escaping
专注于这种可能性 逃离
him my father was on high alert with
他，我的父亲对
everything cuz he was in hiding he could
一切都保持高度警惕，因为他躲藏起来，他
not do his video production work he
无法做他的视频制作工作，他
essentially made in as many of his adult
基本上让他尽可能多的成年
children as possible Bread Winners my
孩子养家糊口，我的
father still found a way to gain access
父亲仍然找到了一种方法来接触
to everybody during this time I got
每个人 这次我
pregnant with my last Daughter by
怀上了他的小女儿，
him there was one day that he went over
有一天他去了
to the house that my sisters and my mom
我姐姐和妈妈的家
was staying and he decided that he was
他决定把
going going to bring my little sister
我的妹妹带进
into the room with him to stay the night
房间，
with her and to rape
和她一起过夜，然后强奸
her I absolutely lost it actually you
她，我完全失去了理智，事实上你
can say that I found it that's when I
可以说我发现了，就在那时，我
realized that everything that my father
意识到我的一切 父亲
had been saying was lies and I saw him
一直在说的是谎言，我看到了
for who he really was all of that anger
他真正的面目，所有的愤怒都
came out and
爆发了，
youing you piece of [\h__\h] piece of sh
你这个混蛋，混蛋，
piece of sh piece of sh like just
混蛋，混蛋，就像只
remember feeling that so much like
记得那种感觉，就像
you're really just a piece of [\h__\h] I
你真的只是一个 混蛋，我
really didn't know how he was going to
真的不知道他会怎么
respond but when he sat down and I was
回应，但当他坐下来时，我
like wow you're you're really just a
心想，哇，你真的只是一个
weak little man all of this time taking
软弱的小男人，一直在利用那些
advantage of children children who were
abused their abusers always seem much
被虐待的孩子。 施虐者总是看起来更
stronger much bigger more terrifying
强大、更大、更可怕，
because they are so different in size
因为他们的体型差异很大
and because of that the character tends
，因此，即使他们长大成人，他们的性格也会
to be Amplified in their minds even as
在他们的脑海中被放大，
they grow into teens and adults when
当
they suddenly have that perception shift
他们突然发生这种看法转变时，
and they realize that they're no longer
他们意识到他们 不再是
a child and this person is somebody that
孩子，这个人是
they can take on it's a really powerful
他们可以接受的，这是一个非常强大的
Paradigm change it was a
范式转变，这是一个
huge stressor lifted off of my shoulders
巨大的 压力从我的肩膀上卸了下来，
because then I felt like it was easier
因为我觉得下一步就更容易了，
to take the next step forward I took my
我把
sister into the room and I locked the
妹妹带进了房间，
door behind us and I stayed with her for
锁上了门，和她一起度过了
the rest of the night and by the next
剩下的夜晚，第二天
morning my father was gone it was just
早上 我父亲去世了，
important to me then to educate myself
对我来说，尽可能多地学习一切知识非常重要，
on every and anything as much as
possible I learned what a pedophile was
我学会了什么是恋童癖，
I learned what domestic violence was I I
什么是家庭暴力，我学会了家庭暴力的
learned what the prevalence was and how
普遍性，以及
debilitating it is on its victims and
它对受害者的伤害有多大。
its survivors so the idea that my father
幸存者，所以我父亲
was a
是个
pedophile and he would continue to rape
恋童癖，他会继续强奸
and molest children that set in our
和猥亵儿童的想法在我们
father was still free and he was having
父亲仍然自由的情况下，他
children with other women we realized
和其他女人有孩子，我们意识到
that we had to do something to stop him
我们必须做点什么来阻止他，
and it was at that time that my sisters
而且是在 当时
and I decided that we was going to
我和我的姐妹们决定
report him to authorities and hopefully
向当局举报他，希望
get him off of the streets he was not
让他离开街头，
detained until 2006 it took about a year
直到 2006 年他才被拘留，当局花了大约一年的时间才
for the authorities to find him my
找到他，我
father initially was charged with
父亲最初被指控犯有
various sexual crimes against my sister
各种性侵犯 对我妹妹的罪行，
the next trial was to then get him
下一次审判就是让他
convicted with the crimes that he
被判犯有 他
committed against me and that was the
对我犯下了罪行，那是
first time I confronted him I told him
我第一次与他对质，我告诉他
about the impact that his choices had on
他的选择对
his children and on my children I I told
他的孩子和我的孩子的影响，我告诉
him that my daughter died and I told him
他我的女儿死了，我告诉他
that he lost control of me long time ago
他很久以前就失去了对我的控制
he's now currently serving 90 years in
他目前正在服刑 90 年，
prison I got my children back from
我把我的孩子从
foster care I went to school for the
寄养家庭领回来，
first time when I was 35 years old my
35 岁时我第一次上学，我的
focus is to use what I've experienced
重点是利用我的经历
and what I've learned to help others and
和我学到的东西来帮助别人，
to build businesses and
建立自己的事业，
build the life that my brother who is no
过上我和已经去世的弟弟梦想的生活，当
longer with
us and I dreamed
about that we would do when we escape my
我们逃离父亲时，我会这样做，
father when I've worked with victims who
当我和
have enjoyed the most horrific crimes
遭受最恐怖罪行的受害者一起工作时，让我们
one of the things that sets apart their
与众不同的事情之一 他们的
healing is when they create Legacy a way
治愈是当他们创造遗产时，他们
of taking every horrific moment they've
经历的每一个可怕的时刻，他们
endured every loss they've encountered
遇到的每一次损失，他们经历过的
every crime they've experienced and turn
每一次犯罪，并将
it into something useful something
其转化为有用的东西，
helpful for others when you look at
对他人有帮助的东西，当你看着像
somebody like Aiza she is the absolute
Aiza 这样的人时，她就是
definition of Survivor and she's the
幸存者的绝对定义，她是
thing of great
伟大的
hope
希望